Saturday, December 27, 2014

Ode to the Refractory Period

Get up, I say, it's time to get to work
But you are both exhausted and a jerk
You lie there, as if you laboured so hard
And frankly, you've been given your reward

I doth protest, come on, we're needed here
There's other things I can do, that is clear
I've other tools at my disposal, true
But I could always use some help from you

It's been fifteen minutes at this point, now
"You lazy dick," I curse; you say "and how"
You're making me look bad, I hope you know
And so I must explain, with words I show:

"My dear, it's science, elementary
You see, this period's refractory."

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Tickets go on sale on Friday
And I am going as far away as I can
To a place where no one knows me
And so I can shout in the middle of the street
In the middle of the night
In the middle of the day, even
Fuck it, let's day shout
I'll say to myself
I will shout to myself
And someone will likely shout back 
So I will put my headphones in and walk away briskly

I will buy shoes
Because I'm always wearing right through them
And it's okay until there's a wet day
And then I don't walk, I just goosh
Just straight gooshin', here
What kind of shoes does a thirty year old man buy?
Is there something fancier than velcro?
I will take three, please

I am going to know all of the words to all of the songs
And I might need to run into the bathroom at some point
Because I will be hyperventilating or having a panic attack
What do you do when your short-sighted goals are accomplished
And you realize that in the morning you are going to have to face reality
A more-or-less unchanged person than you were when you set that goal?

And I will come back hoarse and tired
Maybe even a little hung over
But likely just tired
And sit on the edge of my bed

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Let's say you really wanted ice cream
Like, ice cream was the only thing you wanted
Chocolate ice cream, let's be serious here
No one ever say that all they want is vanilla
You're not allowed to have chocolate ice cream

You could try to get chocolate ice cream
I mean, there's that corner store
It isn't that far from where you are
But that corner store has a really high robbery rate
Some guy got killed there a little while back
So if you try to get chocolate ice cream from that store
There's a high chance that you'll be maimed or killed
At the very least, there might not even be any there
And then you'll have nothing anyway

But, man oh man, do you want that chocolate ice cream
So you wait, hoping that maybe someone will bring you some
I imagine you're aware of how likely that is
But what other recourse do you have

I guess what I'm saying is that I miss my ex-girlfriend
But chocolate ice cream has its own life that it needs to live

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

the last box of my ex-girlfriend's stuff
the only box
some tights and socks and a toothbrush
a towel that she used to refluff all of her stuff
before moving those clothes to her new place
and it really shouldn't bother me
because it's not like this was ever her place
and now i've got an extra drawer's worth of space
and it only bothers me enough that i have to think about it
and it was never really seven years
and if i focus on this then i'll get sad
which is dumb
but here we are, so i guess i'll just learn
how to do a backflip instead of acknowledging my feelings

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Tweets from the bus

"Let's get this terrible party started"
Plays just as the last bus pulls up
That's funny

Eight guys, two girls
One trans?  Drag queen?  Does it especially matter?
Oh, I suppose not

There goes one of the girls, off the bus
Bar was nice
Caddyshack was on
Sknny brian doyle murray is weird to see

The other girl got off the bus at the graveyard
Maybe she works at lu radio
I mean, lu radio is right there
No, she is going into the graveyard

Her head keeps swivelling so that her gaze meets mine
Which is strange, because there are several buildings separating our hypothetical gazes

But I can still feel it, and feelings never lie

Also, heads shouldn't swivel quite that far

Oh, she says to come and bring blood
Sorry, typo: beer
She says that she said beer, not blood

I heard blood, but whatever
Weird that I heard it in my fillings

Going to the graveyard to graveyard fuck, I guess
Will send the deets later
Is this thing even
Being renewed? Good question
Fucked if I know, guy

There's only so much
You can drown your sorrows, guy
Until it drowns more

I broke the first rule
No haikus ever, the name
The name meansnothing 

If you just add "guy"
To round out your haikus, guy
You're not okay, guy

Guy guy guy guy guy
Guy guy guy guy guy guy sob
 I'm so lonely, guy

Sunday, August 31, 2014

Burn what doesn't work
Keep the rest
But the rest is comfortable
And I get what is to be expected of me fro that rest
The rest is comfortable
See what I did there?

Where do you start to make change?
Is it small?
Make a mountain out of a moleman?
It takes a lot of molemen

Maybe I have too much comfort
And that leads to this paralysis
Like that guy from The Tick that sat in the world's confiest chair
Until he was old and grey and all the bald

"Watch out for sweeping changes" the road sign warns
"Lest you be swept off the road"
"Sorry that there's so much writing on this sign, but we feel that literacy is important"
"Watch out for that chair, though, really"

Thursday, July 24, 2014

If there's a wagon
A productivity wagon 
Or a hey-how-about-not-being-crazy-'n-shit wagon
Then I think I'm teeterig on the edge right now
And if I could fall off of it right now
That's be a real feather in my cap
Because then I'd have an excuse for
Y'know
All this being crazy

Thursday, April 10, 2014

39 ways to kill a man

feed him to sharks
feed him to birds (small)
feed him to birds (larger)
feed him to birds (larger still)
smother him with a pillow
leave him for a worse man (kill him emotionally)
take away his oxygen supply
drop him, as if from a great height
death by chocolate
a knife
too much daytime tv
ground up glass in his spaghetti, i think
too much spaghetti
a meatball the size of however big his throat is
neglegence
acid, so much acid, more acid then you think you'll need
drop things on him, as if from a great height
nerf duel gone wild
that thing where you hit someone's nose into their brain
bullets, i guess
karate kid crane kick of death
try to save him, really try
face melting guitar solo
teleport only his skin two feet to the left
breakdance (a dance where you break him in half)
kill his dreams
kill him IN his dreams
put a snake in his hat
anthrax on his public enemy cds
oh, poison.  duh-doi.
be really fucking passive aggressive, marlene
cia sniper
push him into a giant's mouth
don't listen to the safe word
Block + UP UP (sweep distance)
introduce him to some fuckin' steel, son
find out what his kryptonite is
invite him to the home alone death house
like, racism

Sunday, April 6, 2014

i looked at my ideas notepad file and these came up

the terrible curse
the good waffles
the holy rollers
ayn rand school for tots
pick a bar
dental plan


it took me a good dozen seconds to realize that they're team names
for simpsons trivia night
i guess we were both tricked


lisa needs braces

Friday, January 17, 2014

kilroys had police trainer
the study had alpha 3
the outpost had sf vs x-men
711 had mk II, 17 cheated wins, kombat champion
things for nervous fingers
now everyhwere has buttons to touch
distract them fingers
touch screen, pretended productivity
#
you only understand obvious notions, like yesterday's lives' inherent viciousness.
everyone overemphasizes nature's cruel evolution.
yes, once ultimō's over, never lasts, yet lives inherit vast expanses of nuances.
create euphoria yourself?
only, understand: once nobody likes you, living is very efficient.
ostracize now, care eventually.